Soooo It occured to me I no long really write here. When i have something to mention or say it shows up on the myspace blog thing and that is it.

I know I've used this tittle before at some point, though it seems fitting.

I started this diary my senior year of high school and have had it for about 6 years now. Back then my worries were arthritus and baseball and many good memories of friends.

The names of relationships filtered in and out first Vickie, then Amanda, Allie, and finally Michelle who each made up a large majority of each entry at different points. There was one moment where I scraped the whole thing and saved all the files somewhere else.

Though it didn't last long, I came back with the "Phenoix Rising" idea and wrote in there. The last year I've not been as into writing in here as i once was. And I feel i should add in this one last entry to say goodbye to this little window into who I was and what events made me who I am.

Now, insted of baseball and arthritus and worrying about friends and relationships... my life is different.

The constent is friends. For the most part, those friends I had then and the ones I do now are the same. Though some of their personalities have changed, some are rarely seen, and others are exactly the same the group of late night bonfires, jousting, movies, driving around, hanging out at the card store or throwing cake at each other has long sinced gone. Everyone has each moved on their own paths of life and will do great things I am sure. However, my friends will always be dear to me, they are the ones who shaped my life in dark and light times and gave me a sense of who I was. This includes both friends of old and new friends.

Now life is going in a different direction. I've become a semi respected member of my department, I shall be going to grad school in the fall, I have a self-confidince and a self respect that might not have been there before, and most importantly I can sit back and smile over everything. Life changes. For me the change was positive.

I was emptying some boxes i never quite got to opening and inside was a little enclave of letters Michlle had written. In it was a scroll, a letter she had written at one time to me describing why we couldn't be together. I opend it and red over it and it was like a time portal to a different me even though it was really only 3 years ago.

In it I was out lined as someone who out-lined "faith and hope", who "wore his emotions on his sleeve," and who "wronfully doubted himself," and was a "knight in shining armor."

I guess some people don't like holding onto things old girlfriends/boyfriends have written for them, they don't see the point. I'm not one of those people. The historian in me looks at those tokens not as an attachment to the person they were from, but as a window into who I was at that point and how someone else thought of who I was back then. Though, I'm sure, her opinions of me had drasticly changed, as mine have of her.

I will eventually save these entries and put them with the others and save them all for some reason. Like that letter they will be a kind of time capsuel that I will always look back and laugh at.

Right now, life is good. I've got great friends in both Agoura and Rohnert Park as well as spread out all over other parts of the country. I will soon have 2 BAs from a fine school and I've got acceptence letters from a couple of great institutions for grad school. I have a wonderful family that I am thankful for. And, most importantly, I am happy and proud of what I have become and who I am going to be, and do not regreat anything I've done to get here.

So those who have red over the years, and such, thank you for taking the time to show interest in my life, even if at some points you were part of an unfavorable entry or two. And, as I've said many times before...

"It's been real... its been fun... but it hasn't been real fun"

Exit: Marteney