Raining again. I truely do enjoy the rain. I remeber a year or two ago walking through it, alone, the dead of night, pondering the quesitons of life, and coming through the door soaking wet.

I used to come through the door soaking wet all the time. The baseball games way back when, and the walks, those glorious wonderfull walks. Where i was able to simply isolate my issues to myself and escape into a night sky.

I couldn't remeber the last time i came home soaking wet.. and then i thought and....it all came back to me. Like a beutiful long story..

Swimming in a pool in the dead of night, while shooting stars fell...an ocean on a warm summer night... a resturaunt full of pranks and tricks... a lizzard... Opening day at Dodger stadium... bleechers and ball fields... beaches and bugzappers....beer and berets.. and dancing in an empty room..

Flowers... notes...smileing...kisses everything. I remeberd it all again.

Then i remembered the anger. How, it ended. Frustration. And the inability for me to understand why someone can ignore it all, and not even be friends afterwards.... then.. i wanted to see whare I was a yea ago... and this is what i had written:

"But... now I'm suposed to step backwards, back to friendship? I've got to set aside all those feelings and ignore the moments, and go back to what it was, when I was a quivering mess of pet up emtion, and uncertinty? And, to tell you the truth.... I duno if I can do that."

Hit me like a ton of bricks.

I was right back then. And wrong now.

I've been standing for a while out on the balcony with a cup of coffee leting it all sit.

I regret nothing.

I don't regret the time, the ride that was what it was. The story, that will ruin me for all eternity with other relationships... cause it's a tough one to top. I don't regret walking away. Knowing when it was over. Knowing, what i had to do. The constest bickering and arguing and being mad we couldn't see each other so we'd take it out on each other... i don't miss. But I understand it all.

But there was a larger goal. And I remeber that goal, everytime I get angry. Every time i pour my 8th, 9th cup of coffe at 4am as i work on an essay, I look at the fridge, and see a picture still there, reminding me everything i gave up to do what I'm doing.

I'll remeber it when I take the walk.. and get the degrees... when i look at my class.. or my team. I'll remeber what I gave up, and know... that it was the right choice to make.

-Marteney