And after 2 weeks of super intense finals and papers and all that good stuff i returned home.... and my body imidetly faild after the 8 hour drive, and i colapsed. I sucessfully fought off sickness for as logn as i could heh.

First semester done and done, and am totally getting lost within the world of the reading intese double major life. Oddly enough reading about other peoples lives heh.

For the first time.... since i can remeber, my life was pretty much my own, no restrictions and no obligations. I concintrated on what i feel was important and what i really wanted.

There was a cost, a mjor cost, and i lost something that was very important to me, and what i loved dearly, and will always love dearly. I asked for that one last shot at a relationship, and i got it, and, for a time, the greatest relationship anyone could ask for.

However, the greatest things tend to never last. I've gotten the questions, everyone wondering, and sometimes i wonder how it all changed.

The fault is my own. The lack of fight left inside me, the frustration the final straws.

I was not willing to fight over things like, saying, "well I've gota get to work." after an hour of being on the phone, and having papers and tests... and getting yelled at for not caring enough.

That was a lot of it, i didn't feel i had to fight and claw, and past little tests and quizes on in an unending battle of if i cared. I cared, I loved, and still, i was questioned and doubted every step of the way. And when all was said and done be told, "look don't tell anyone about this" like it is suposed to be a secrate, like i'm suposed to hide my past in a box a burry it within piles of junk.

That was what finally got to me. The hiding, the pretending, the, "don't tell anyone about this."

I call Bullshit.

It happind, it was great, it was wonderfull, and it was something i'll never forget. And I'll be damned, if i'm going to hide that feeling from people.

Such is life i guess. I've said it time and again, i've lost the things that ment the most to me in my life. It takes time, but we rise above it, and yeah the first year away from baseball was hard, but after we accept things don't work as planed, we pick up and move on. I'll be damned if i don't tell the stories, good and bad.

In the end, i'm on my own, but this time it's different. I've had my chances, I've played the games, I've lived, I've loved, and I've lost it. Everyone knows, I've never been the one to stick in relationships for long periods of time. I'm, frankly, too big of a pain in the ass.

Parts of me aren't ready to give up that freedome again. The fights took a lot out of me this time around. To be honest, I've been happy lately just relaxing once again. Sitting back smiling, making friends wherever i go.

-Marteney