I'll always find in fascinating, and flatering at the same time, how, no matter where i go i get the "veteran treatment"

When I was in baseball mikey told me i was the only 16 year old vterean in the world. Mostly because I knew a lot about the game and played on what i knew not nessicarily my abilities.

Even back in So Cali life, at work or with friends outside the main group I was told how i inspiered confidince by just being there from time to time.

And up here, I seem to be getting the distinction yet again. Being able to joke, but then having people look to me with a serious question. Like in one of my poly sci classes the teacher and the rest of the class wanted my opinion on "Tokkie." I gave it... everyone thought it over, noded, and the discussion was over. My teacher called me a "velvet hammer."

I've said before, it's always nice when people tell you how you've positively changed their lives.

For the most part, it's not what want, but its nice. I'd rather coast through life by myself, living in Tahoe, teaching high school students.. maybey a JC, who knows? I don't want to teach at a university, or publish books that only people who agree with me or people who get their jollies out of tearing other beliefes apart read... I want to just sit back and teach the younger ones. No pressures, nothing of that sort at all.

I've lived enough stress I think for a couple life times. I have my issues to deal with, like an arthritus condition that isn't going to get much better as time goes along. But, if that's the worst I endure, I'm for it.

The negitive to all this... is my passion lies within the work i do. I can't transfer that passion into a person. In baseball, it was the game above all else. Now, it's school. Eventually it will be students and players more than anything. The end result, I'm single for a long time coming.

I asked not too long ago, for one more chance, one more shot, and who woulda thunk it, I got it, and it was amazing. But in the end, I could not provide what she wanted the most: my unever ending attention. Distince is hard in a relationship like that, for me at least. I couldn't drive there to say it's ok, or anything o fthat sort. The most was a phone call. And I can honestly see how that just doesn't cut it.

It's passion and convienice i guess. If you're truely passionate about it, distince kills you inside, and if youre in it for convienice, you see it as only temporary.

What i know on it all is limited to what I've gone through. All i know, I'm best staying away from it all for a very long while.

And i sat out on my balcony in 30 degree cold, drinking coffee and playing bass and thinking to myself:

I've lived, I've loved, I've lost, and I've won. It's time to just sit back a little and let life take me to where i need t go.

-Marteney