I toss and I turn and the pain in my knees nills in comparison to the one that's inside me...

Every turn, every movement, every object, and every feeling brings back a flood of memories of a life that feels so long ago, and took so much from inside.

A picture on the night stand as I fumble for advil... a bottle of calogne in the glove box as I search for a road map... a movie on television staring Zack Braff and Natalie Portman.... Uncle Kracker playing "Drift Away" at the all star game.... trying to escape the empty hotel room and not watch... only to discover in the solitude of the elevator... the same damn song played...to... wake up out of surgury... pull the oxygen tube and speak softly her name... and a nurse inquire about it...a friend telling of a girl who walked in wearing Martini glass earings and necklace... and having to ask a million questions about this girl she spoke of....

A picture on a fridge that I demand remain there... to remind me of the sacrifices I had to make... a card... left on the windshield...permently remaining in my car... sitting there... on the dshboard... unmoving, replacing some crazy turnup that once served the same purpose....

walking an empty track along a football feel... watching ghosts in the bleechers...every singel...god damn night... sitting... stewing... going out... putting on a face like nothing bother me... like I'm inpenitreble... I can never be brought down... and feeling like my whole inside has colapsed inward...

shooting stars... dodger games... music... road trips...a DiMaggio biography special... even poker...all just reminders of everything...

This aching unending pain that drives like a dagger in my side... being twisted in a circle as the point drives through every tissue fiber in my entire weak body...

Having to be reminded and remind myself... "She's better off without you... nothing to worry about... noone to argue with... knowing... if I drag it out longer... saying goodbye would be 10x as hard in mid aug. Knowing even if we tried... I could never wish the pain of the distince relationship on her....trying to put the blame on myself... make me the bad guy... knowing.... she deserves better...."

Pulling off to the side of a road... and having to step out to cry.. knowing this was the situation that woul dhurt her the least.. and being a complete wreck over it...

Knowing eventually.... hopefully... she'll realize... I was just an avg joe... nothing special... nothing great... just an avg person.

-Marteney