There's a coldness in reality. A dark, passionate cold, different from everything. It's that cold you feel on your body, when you're nice and warm in your house at midnight, in shorts, and a tank top...and realizing you have to go outside to your car and get something.

You open the door, and step onto the cold pavement...and suddenly, a shiver goes along your spine, you gasp for a breth as you say to yourself, "Fuck its cold." And bound off to your car to ratrive whatever you need, and then run back inside the house.

That's what life feels like at this point. Reality setting and gripping my, like ice collecting on my brethe as I exhale, creating that steam. There's no one around, just you... alone... knowing you need to do something knowing you need to be outside.

For me, I'm outside right now. And I want to go back in, to last week, where it was warm, cozy, and happpy. But I can't, it's.....not my call. Hopefully, the door opens up and I go back inside. But, that might be how it is. It might be one of thos time, I have to suck it up, and go for that walk, or head to that pool and jump into icy waters (that's a whole other cold I won't get into).

Reality is cold. It's something I have to admit, and realize, and accept. I've been through much in life. I've looked into the lifeless eyes of what was once a friend. So, when a TA from last year tells me, "You're like every other guy, you're just a man whore" I think I'll live.

I lost baseball..to circumstances beyond my control.... which is the equivalent to.... Lizz losing her porn, Jes losing her philosaphy, or Danny losing his video games. I've accepted that, I miss it but I accept it. Just as how, I don't hold a grudge or feel upset, when a school boy crush and a two week relationship ends with, "I can't have a bf, now, but I want you in my life" and is fallowed up by, silince in life and the dating of someone else. That's life, it's stupid to be angry that someone finds happiness elsewhere. It's the game. I shruged it off and moved on to something better.

I've watched the systamatic dismantaling of my health. I've woken up and, used my hands to move my legs, to get them working. I taped up ankels, and soaked up blood, just for one more inning.

I'm still standing. I'm still here.

Hours fall off the clock and days fall off the calander, and it's getting hard. But, I have trust, and I believe. "It's not you," was what I'm told. And while, so many others tell me, "Why are you doing this?" I can honestly answer, "It's worth it." I'll be there, even if silince is what irates me the absolute most.

But the cold, reality might send that numbness through my body, when I realize, me wanting it, and feeling it, and hoping it, willing it, desireing it, pushing it, wishing for it, doing anything I can for it...... doesn't mean it will happin.

I refuse to shed a tear... I refuse to break down. I am an "Iron Man," I walk a "Boulevard of Broken Dreams," I have the, "Eye of the tiger," and one day I hope I'll be "Vindicated."

Till then I'm just standing outside...in the cold... alone... wondering if the door will be opend again. And that this was all just another over analyzation, and it will all be all right. Or if, the cold, still, solitary night will be my home again.

And my heart... full of memory... and wishing... on what might have been.. and remembering what was.

-Marteney